Postmortem.

Ramblings.

We’ve all had relationship troubles. Well, for the most part of the population. Some people have been lucky enough to have smooth sailing (what the actual…), but most of us have had difficulties with someone we love. The purpose of this post is not to exasperate the topic of heartbreak- there are enough poems/songs/novels about the intricacies and pains of a broken heart.

This is more about a relationship postmortem. And most certainly not a case of, ‘What did I do wrong?’, as we are prone to ask- we always think we are the catalyst of detriment to our relationships because we are so ‘damaged’. No. No, no, and no! I refuse to take the blame for someone else’s inability to love me the way I deserve to be loved. We all have issues. We all have voids that we feel need filling in some way (and generally we reach out to a romantic partner as we have a huge misconception that they are the answer). No! I am adamant about this: Love is not poetry. Love is not a catchy song. Love is not a captivating novel. Love is a teacher. 

We love in order to learn. And more importantly, to learn about ourselves. We do not love to learn about the idiosyncrasies of another person- that’s lust; that’s obsession. That’s a craving to know that person inside out because we think in some weird and twisted way that that is where we will find ourselves. Again I declare, No! We learn about ourselves through loving someone else. Through learning how to love. Because loving is not about making someone else happy. I’ve discussed this before: Who on earth determined when we were born, that our set purpose is to make other people happy? Nein. I even had to go German on that one. 

Relationships need postmortems for us to learn about how certain people might just not possess amicable/symbiotic qualities that enhance our personal beings. It’s a selfish concept, but what really matters at the end of the day? Your happiness. Your wellbeing. That is what matters. So through giving a relationship that has ended a little bit of a dissection to see why and how things worked, is a really valuable way to see why things didn’t work. 

A dead relationship is a bit like a dead body- morbid analogy, perhaps, but crucial in making a link to understanding that the life of the relationship is over. There is no point in trying to revive it. It can be respected, sure; it can be revered in memory, but it cannot be brought back to life. It’s called a ‘break-up’ because it is broken. For people who do manage to revive a relationship- I truly believe it will never be the same again. There will always be the scar from the initial cause of leaving each other. ‘True love’, yadda yadda, blah blah… Yes: I am a pessimist when it comes to love. Perhaps more of a pragmatic realist (and even contrarily, of course, a hopeless romantic deep down), but I honestly believe that when it is meant to work, it will- without having to go to the ends of the earth to achieve a loving, peaceful, fulfilling relationship with someone. 

I think the most important thing I’ve learned about love, is that it is an ever constant caterpillar; we always try to make it reach a state of metamorphosis into this notion we have of a glorious and perfect butterfly… But love; well it’s quite happy to stay in its caterpillar form. It’s quite happy to be simple, and grounded. Wings give us the potential to fly, sure. Butterflies are beautiful, sure. But touch their wings, and they die. Surely thus, we’d prefer to be the hardy caterpillar? Yes, there lies great potential within the caterpillar to become said magnificent butterfly… But it is too precious to be touched. It is too lovely in its absolute form, and thus it is better for us to revere the fact that the caterpillar is just as beautiful, due to the mere fact that without it, the butterfly would never exist. 

Whilst it is important to understand why you and a partner didn’t work out, in order to learn more about yourself, it can become an obsession. Ultimately- trying to analyse every single detail of why a relationship didn’t work, is not advisable. This will keep one stagnant, and unable to even think about moving on and reaching our ultimate goal of metamorphosis, where we meet someone who will not touch our wings, but allow us to survive as a beautiful butterfly for as long as possible. 

M

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