As I have mentioned before, I’m a bit of a contradiction. So when I say I’m an awkward social butterfly, it makes total sense.
I try pretty hard to make friends with people. To be friendly, essentially. But my face betrays my emotions, as I will often find myself grimacing at someone who is behaving in a way that I feel is strange. Again- a contradiction, because I am an avid supporter of rebelling against social doctrines. However, I can feel my face contorting into a state of judgement, and when the person in said judgement state looks at me pulling said face, I feel awful, and then overcompensate to be friendly towards them.
It’s actually a bit of a conundrum. I have tons of friends – close and by association. Making new friends is not a problem for me. But, these face pulling moments make me cringe inside. I often berate myself for being a ‘judgey’ person. I don’t mean to pull faces. I just find it insatiably difficult to control my expressions. Perhaps it is because I did Eisteddfod for years- I am a natural expressionist. Also, to some extent, a natural drama queen (this is subjective, in my opinion, and not from my stance- just to clarify).
I’ve also been wondering if it’s a case of a superiority complex, or a case of extreme insecurity. Again- like my bipolar- everything is in extreme polarity. What is actually real? I don’t understand myself when I’m placed in these situations of interaction. I become someone else: Either a charming, funny, likable socialite; or a reclusive, judgemental, stay-away-from-me prude.
To be honest, I feel like I have some weird form of sociopathy mixed with social anxiety (I know- paradox of note). I love making friends, but the process is sometimes confusing. It’s odd.
There was an incident that happened quite recently, and albeit that I was a bit rude, I felt crazily empowered: A guy was annoying me at a club- dancing up against me and reiterating to me how single he is- and I literally said to him, ‘Dude, you’re irritating me’, and he put his hands up in what I interpreted as resignation, and walked away. This was an important milestone that I achieved in my life, as I have been far too accommodating over the years. I’ve ended up in relationships that I didn’t even want, simply because I didn’t want to hurt the guy’s feelings. Later down the line, these relationships have screwed me up into the 4th dimension, indicating that you shouldn’t go for something unless your heart is in from the start (it even rhymes, it must be providence).
I think my point here (as it seems my posts always end in a point) is that one should always be oneself in the exact moment. Mindfulness is real. It’s easy to distinguish between who you should be making actual friends with, and who you should just respect from a distance as a form of common courtesy. It’s all about balance. Nothing needs to be so in extreme- I need to convince myself that I don’t need to be friends with absolutely everybody. It’s so overwhelming and draining to please the relentlessly demanding world. So if you are somewhat like me, I recommend to just chill in social situations (preaching to the choir- myself being the choir). It’s just easier to be yourself, as authentically as possible.